At the time i felt as though my hair was not something i should care about when i was faced with the most challenging time in my life. But on reflection of that period in my life i think i may have buried my feelings about my hair.
As far back as i can remember i had always been the girl with the long hair. In fact i can't remember it being anything shorter than shoulder length. And when that was taken away from me, i think, in the shock of looking so different i ignored my emotions.
Recently, it was my schools summer ball and although i am not leaving and heading off to university like all my friends and the other people in my year i still went as those were the people i had grew up with since i was eleven (and some of them since i was 3!).
This is the first time in nearly the two years i had really started to feel a loss with my identity. I could no longer style my hair in a specific way like i had with my year eleven prom. I felt as if i had no control over what i looked like. And this is a huge problem for me as i am somebody who has to be in control of everything i do.
I more or less had two options leave it curly and crazy like it usually is or get it straightened. I decided to feel slightly more in control of the situation i was in i would get it straightened at my local hairdressers.
I was nervous at the prospect of going to hairdressers for the first time in just under two years but also excited. I could finally see the true length of my hair as since it is curly all the time the true length of it is hidden.
Fast forward to coming out of the hairdressers and i was not happy. I felt like a stranger to myself. And as crazy as this may sound i felt as if i wasn't used to seeing my hair so short. I expected it to be longer than it was and the shock of it made me upset. The hairdresser didn't do a bad job in fact she did a brilliant job i just wasn't ready for what i was about to see. And i wasn't ready for the emotions i was feeling because i thought i was used to looking the way i did. After all, it had been nearly two years of my life of being bald or with short hair.
Nevertheless, when i got home i was upset and felt disappointed with the way i looked. I didn't know what i was expecting but it certainly wasn't this.
Eventually, after some cheering up from my mum, dad and sister i started to feel better about myself. I started putting my makeup on and decided i wasn't going to let the fact that i was expecting to look different ruin my night.
Even though its been a long time i still feel as if I'm learning about the way cancer affects self concept constantly. And this has just been another one of those learning experiences.
Nonetheless, i still had an absolutely amazing night with all my friends and i wouldn't change anything for the world!
