I have never been someone who can adapt to change easily so when my best friend moved away to university in September i think i went into shock (like i always do when something goes 'wrong'). I pretend like nothing ever happened. I don't cry. I don't express my feelings and i keep them bottled up inside me and push them right into the deepest darkest corner of my brain because thats just the way i have always dealt with things. What i really should of said is "Millie, I'm so excited for you to start this new chapter in your life. I think its going to be the best thing you have ever done. But i'm going to miss you like crazy because i feel like your the only person in the entire world who knows me the best.' Instead, i keep quiet, don't tell her how i'm feeling and put this insane amount of pressure on my self to make new friends. I think about if the way i look affects my friend making abilities, i beat myself up over forgetting to smile and say hi to somebody in the corridor and in turn end up putting myself in a worse place than i was before because of all the pressure i put my self under.
Going to see Millie in York then became one of the things i focused myself on. I will tell myself 'It's okay if i didn't have a good day at school today or i don't feel like i did as well as i should have because i'm going to see Millie soon and that will fix everything, because then just for the weekend i'm going back to the past and living in as what i have come to imagine was a 'better period in my life'. Whereas what i should have been thinking to myself was 'Okay this week wasn't great but i have plenty of chances to make next week even better, and i'm seeing Millie on the weekend so maybe she can give me some advice on making friends since, she has just moved away'. And as much as i value Millie and our friendship i know that i can't keep doing this to myself. Millie will always be my best friend but it is okay to have other friends and even other best friends because Millie isn't going anywhere (figuratively because she literally moved away ha ha).
The 'trauma' of my best friend moving away coupled with my health anxiety and OCD like behaviours have made the past month or so of my life particularly challenging for me. For example, on the weekend i went down to York to visit Millie i was particularly anxious about my health that week as i was worried my cancer had came back (which my consultant reassured me later in the week that it had not came back and the lymph nodes in my neck where just a reaction to a recent chest infection that i had) this not only stopped me from being at ease and letting loose but it also affected my friend making capabilities with her new friends. I most likely appeared unfriendly when in reality my mind was somewhere else. And when i finally snap back into the conversation i've put that much pressure on myself about joining in and appearing 'normal' (whatever that us) that the words just don't come out. I want to join in with conversations but i just can't. It feels like the words just won't come out. The fact that all her friends are smart and talk about things i don't really understand either, really doesn't help!
And, i want to make this clear that this post isn't blaming Millie, for anything she has only ever been an amazing friend to me, nothing less. This post is just me reflecting on my current mental health status and how i am processing things and how i want to change the way i am, which i know just as much as anyone, it is easier said than done.
I've also began to feel left out, not jealous in anyway just left out. I understand and accept that people have to grow up, move on and life their lives but i just wish i was out there living my life with them. I want to live on my own, i want to meet new people every week and be out of my comfort zone for a change, i want to go out with friends and just have a good time but instead i'm stuck at home re-doing my A-levels and maybe i do feel a little bit bitter about cancer having changed the way i always thought my life was going to be.
And this leads me where i am today and what i finally want to do with regards to my mental health. I want to stop blaming the 'bad things' in my life on my cancer diagnosis and starting taking charge of my own life. I want to conquer my health anxiety and OCD tendencies, with the help of my therapist who i have been seeing for three weeks now. I want to become more approachable and friendly to everybody i meet, which is a tricky one but i am willing to work for it. And i want to apologise to the people closest to me because when i can't see clear because of the overthinking that i do i can become hard to get along with. So, mum i'm sorry for not going to the cinemas with you this afternoon because i was upset about something unrelated. Dad i'm sorry for saying i was lonely when you went out and then not coming to see you when you were back in because i was overthinking about something else. Jessica, i'm sorry for snapping at you when you're just trying to be funny and cheer me up. And, Millie i'm sorry for burdening you with all my shitty problems sometimes it just instantly cheers me up to see that you've sent me a Ed Sheeran ketchup meme and i know that you just want to have a good time and be chill and thats really hard with me as a friend but i'm working on myself and maybe one day i can be just as chill as you.
Lauren
