Cancer isn't always to blame

I'm really struggling on how to start this post. Do i start by just saying everything i've been feeling in the past year? Do i find a poetic way to compare the way my mind is working at the moment? Do i find something to blame for the way i've been feeling?

I have never been someone who can adapt to change easily so when my best friend moved away to university in September i think i went into shock (like i always do when something goes 'wrong'). I pretend like nothing ever happened. I don't cry. I don't express my feelings and i keep them bottled up inside me and push them right into the deepest darkest corner of my brain because thats just the way i have always dealt with things. What i really should of said is "Millie, I'm so excited for you to start this new chapter in your life. I think its going to be the best thing you have ever done. But i'm going to miss you like crazy because i feel like your the only person in the entire world who knows me the best.'  Instead, i keep quiet, don't tell her how i'm feeling and put this insane amount of pressure on my self to make new friends. I think about if the way i look affects my friend making abilities, i beat myself up over forgetting to smile and say hi to somebody in the corridor and in turn end up putting myself in a worse place than i was before because of all the pressure i put my self under.

Going to see Millie in York then became one of the things i focused myself on. I will tell myself 'It's okay if i didn't have a good day at school today or i don't feel like i did as well as i should have because i'm going to see Millie soon and that will fix everything, because then just for the weekend i'm going back to the past and living in as what i have come to imagine was a 'better period in my life'. Whereas what i should have been thinking to myself was 'Okay this week wasn't great but i have plenty of chances to make next week even better, and i'm seeing Millie on the weekend so maybe she can give me some advice on making friends since, she has just moved away'. And as much as i value Millie and our friendship i know that i can't keep doing this to myself. Millie will always be my best friend but it is okay to have other friends and even other best friends because Millie isn't going anywhere (figuratively because she literally moved away ha ha).

The 'trauma' of my best friend moving away coupled with my health anxiety and OCD like behaviours have made the past month or so of my life particularly challenging for me. For example, on the weekend i went down to York to visit Millie i was particularly anxious about my health that week as i was worried my cancer had came back (which my consultant reassured me later in the week that it had not came back and the lymph nodes in my neck where just a reaction to a recent chest infection that i had) this not only stopped me from being at ease and letting loose but it also affected my friend making capabilities with her new friends. I most likely appeared unfriendly when in reality my mind was somewhere else. And when i finally snap back into the conversation i've put that much pressure on myself about joining in and appearing 'normal' (whatever that us) that the words just don't come out. I want to join in with conversations but i just can't. It feels like the words just won't come out. The fact that all her friends are smart and talk about things i don't really understand either, really doesn't help!

And, i want to make this clear that this post isn't blaming Millie, for anything she has only ever been an amazing friend to me, nothing less. This post is just me reflecting on my current mental health status and how i am processing things and how i want to change the way i am, which i know just as much as anyone, it is easier said than done.

I've also began to feel left out, not jealous in anyway just left out. I understand and accept that people have to grow up, move on and life their lives but i just wish i was out there living my life with them. I want to live on my own, i want to meet new people every week and be out of my comfort zone for a change, i want to go out with friends and just have a good time but instead i'm stuck at home re-doing my A-levels and maybe i do feel a little bit bitter about cancer having changed the way i always thought my life was going to be. 

And this leads me where i am today and what i finally want to do with regards to my mental health. I want to stop blaming the 'bad things' in my life on my cancer diagnosis and starting taking charge of my own life. I want to conquer my health anxiety and OCD tendencies, with the help of my therapist who i have been seeing for three weeks now. I want to become more approachable and friendly to everybody i meet, which is a tricky one but i am willing to work for it. And i want to apologise to the people closest to me because when i can't see clear because of the overthinking that i do i can become hard to get along with. So, mum i'm sorry for not going to the cinemas with you this afternoon because i was upset about something unrelated. Dad i'm sorry for saying i was lonely when you went out and then not coming to see you when you were back in because i was overthinking about something else. Jessica, i'm sorry for snapping at you when you're just trying to be funny and cheer me up. And, Millie i'm sorry for burdening you with all my shitty problems sometimes it just instantly cheers me up to see that you've sent me a Ed Sheeran ketchup meme and i know that you just want to have a good time and be chill and thats really hard with me as a friend but i'm working on myself and maybe one day i can be just as chill as you.

Lauren

Hair

When i was first diagnosed with cancer hair was the last thing i was worried about. I was more or less in the mindset 'this is not forever, my hair will grow back and i will be healthy again'.

At the time i felt as though my hair was not something i should care about when i was faced with the most challenging time in my life. But on reflection of that period in my life i think i may have buried my feelings about my hair.

As far back as i can remember i had always been the girl with the long hair. In fact i can't remember it being anything shorter than shoulder length. And when that was taken away from me, i think, in the shock of looking so different i ignored my emotions.

Recently, it was my schools summer ball and although i am not leaving and heading off to university like all my friends and the other people in my year i still went as those were the people i had grew up with since i was eleven (and some of them since i was 3!).

This is the first time in nearly the two years i had really started to feel a loss with my identity. I could no longer style my hair in a specific way like i had with my year eleven prom. I felt as if i had no control over what i looked like. And this is a huge problem for me as i am somebody who has to be in control of everything i do.

 I more or less had two options leave it curly and crazy like it usually is or get it straightened. I decided to feel slightly more in control of the situation i was in i would get it straightened at my local hairdressers.

I was nervous at the prospect of going to hairdressers for the first time in just under two years but also excited. I could finally see the true length of my hair as since it is curly all the time the true length of it is hidden.

Fast forward to coming out of the hairdressers and i was not happy. I felt like a stranger to myself. And as crazy as this may sound i felt as if i wasn't used to seeing my hair so short. I expected it to be longer than it was and the shock of it made me upset. The hairdresser didn't do a bad job in fact she did a brilliant job i just wasn't ready for what i was about to see. And i wasn't ready for the emotions i was feeling because i thought i was used to looking the way i did. After all, it had been nearly two years of my life of being bald or with short hair.

Nevertheless, when i got home i was upset and felt disappointed with the way i looked. I didn't know what i was expecting but it certainly wasn't this.

Eventually, after some cheering up from my mum, dad and sister i started to feel better about myself. I started putting my makeup on and decided i wasn't going to let the fact that i was expecting to look different ruin my night.

Even though its been a long time i still feel as if I'm learning about the way cancer affects self concept constantly. And this has just been another one of those learning experiences.

Nonetheless, i still had an absolutely amazing night with all my friends and i wouldn't change anything for the world!

Beaches

My dearest Smol,

This might be a bit far fetched but bare with me. Imagine, your life is one big sandy beach ( I know you don't like them but just bare with me okay?). Some people come into your life and barely make an imprint. Those are the type of people who stand at the top of the beach in the soft sand and don't walk down to the shore. Those people really don't know what they are missing, they might visit once every couple of years but they would never say that this beach is their favourite. It has too many crabs and the shells hurt they feet when they walk on the sand. Others leave a series of footprints etched into the sea shore, they might walk on the beach for an hour or so and come and visit every once in a while. But this isn't their favourite beach, in fact they might even only come to this beach every so often on the sunny days to grab a lemon top and look at the view. These are the type of people who can't appreciate the cold sea and the poo left on the sand by random dogs. The don't really deserve to come to this beach all the time. And only a select few have ran along the shores, wrote their names in the sand and splashed in the sea, they are here on the stormy days, on the sunny days and most importantly on the days where you are eligible for free parking. You're the last type of those people for me, i think its fair to say we've had our stormy days. Those type of days were you can only park in the car park and look out onto the sea crashing and going wild and thinking to yourself that life as you know it is coming to an end. But i think its fair to say we've had our sunny days as well like the type of days where business by catfish and the bottlemen are playing at just the right level in the background, we have a plethora lemon sorbet that doesn't melt super quickly, and spicy veggie burgers from mcdonalds with a shit ton of fries, an tropicana orange juice for me and a large pepsi max for you (not forgetting the dairy milk mcflurries) there is dogs of all shapes and sizes everywhere and you are tripping over sweet sweet nothing, as per usual. And even if i did leave you on the beach for a fair few days i always returned because this beach isn't just any beach its one of those beaches where you can smile when you think about it even if the weather is unreliable and the two regulars on the beach are turbulent beings. The people who only stand on the top of the beach don't know what they are missing, yeah you might catch crabs while you're there but it's still a good beach okay? agaga i joke. So, i think the real message of this little analogy is me trying to say you are well and truly are my best beach. 

My words are failing me right now but 

i'm grateful for this beach. 

Don't go changing.

Your friend,

Slime 

Living with a Hickman line

For those of you who don't know, a Hickman line is a very long thin tube inserted into a vein in your chest and tunnelled through to one of the chambers into your heart (i believe). Two tubes then dangle out of your chest down to the bottom of your waist - so yes they are very long and can get in the way sometimes! Here's a picture...

The doctors decided to take the port out my arm due to my chemo being more complicated.

The port in my arm looked like this:

(it's the small bump in my arm) and essentially it does the same job as the Hickman line the only difference is that the port has to be accessed by needle every time you need to use it and can only have one tube in it at a time - it's also hidden under the skin which in many cases is a huge bonus.

When i first got my Hickman line put in it looked like this: (sorry for the blood in advance)

I woke up feeling like i had been kicked in the chest (multiple times) but i also felt it wasn't as big as i thought it would be. Little did i know the tube had been wrapped up in bandages and when i took them off i would get a huge surprise as to how long they actually are.

Day to day i don't really realise them being there. The only times i notice them are when:

1. I'm sleeping and the two massive clamps (stopping blood from coming out) dig into my side. They wake me up regularly because both of the clamps sit just below my rib cage and when you sleep on the same side that your Hickman line gets put in (like me) it can be painful and annoying.

2. I want to summer tops. Typically summer style tops show a bit more of your chest and belly but having the line in and wearing summer tops makes them really visible. I don't care about people seeing my line but i always want to be careful i don't catch it on anything because these lines have a habit of falling out if they are pulled even slightly to hard.

3. I want to go in the shower. I simply can't go in the shower with the line in because it's not aloud to get wet. If the line gets wet theres a chance it will cause infection and with my low immune system its not something i want to happen. So, instead i go in the bath i have to tape my lines up and wash with a flannel because i have to sit up in the bath and only have the water to waist height.

The major benefit of having a Hickman line is obviously that i no longer need to get needles every time they want to check my blood!! The nurses can just take it directly from my lines. Sometimes when they take the blood out my chest feels really warm and when the salty water goes in to clean my line my chest can feel really cold!

Since my treatment has finished my Hickman line is due to come out in the coming weeks/ next month or so! I couldn't be happier at the thought of a long hot shower!

Lauren :-)

I'm Back!!!

I've finally came back from being in hospital for three weeks and rather than do one massive post about my time in hospital i've decided to do several shorter posts on things that i think were more relative about spending time in hospital.

However, I will say that i am the record holder in the RVI for the fastest time of getting discharged from hospital after high dose chemo. Usually, you are expected to stay in anywhere from four to six weeks. This is because the side effects of the high dose are unpredictable and different in every person. Some times they reaction to the chemo is delayed sometimes you start to show symptoms of several different chemo related illnesses instantly.

Fortunately for me i had very few of the expected side effects and when the side effects i did get off the chemo where easily controlled and managed by various medications - which made me a lot more comfortable during my stay.

Don't get me wrong i didn't completely 'sail through' the treatment. I had zero neutrophils (things that fight off infections) in my body for around a week and i kept on getting high temperatures. I had an infection and the doctors didn't know what the infection was (despite various tests). I was on three or four different antibiotics at one point and was near enough always on hydration because i struggled to drink the required two litres a day.

AND

the boredom of being stuck in a hospital bed all day everyday with only your parents for company isn't something i would want to go through again. To ease the boredom of being in hospital my mum suggest i watch Game Of Thrones with her as she had already watched all the seasons and said they where really good. I still have season four and five to finish but, so far i'm actually surprised by how much i enjoyed them.

This is a picture of me after i had finished a week of high dose chemo.

The medal says 'Winner' on it and i think its fair to say i feel like a winner after all this treatment!

Lauren :-)

Nosebleeds, A&E and Blood transfusions

I actually started writing this blog post last week - but nurses came in the middle of me writing it to give me my GSCF injections and i totally forgot to finish after that - Oops!

Due to having such a hectic month i haven't had chance to post so sorry if this one is a long one!

After my second round of chemo the doctors decided to check my progress to see if the treatment plan i am on is effective. So, on the 16th of June i had a hearing test and a kidney function test because the chemo that I'm currently having is know to damage hearing and kidney function. The test results came back relatively positive - my kidneys function normally and i've lost some of my hearing with the higher pitches but my consultant reassured me that, that doesn't really matter as in everyday life you don't really use the higher pitches. Losing your hearing only becomes a problem when it goes into the lower pitches.

Two days later on the 18th of June, my dad took me for a PET CT scan and a Ear, Nose and Throat (ENT) checkup at the Freeman's hospital in Newcastle. The PET CT scan involves a small amount of radioactive dye going into your body, which then shows up on the scan on all the 'active sites' i.e heart, bladder and tumours. The scan itself takes around 25 minutes of laying very still with your arms above your head.

On arriving at the ENT appointment the receptionist told me an emergency appointment had been booked for the specialist to have a look at my nose. As I've been suffering with nosebleeds since i was very little and this problem needed to be sorted out before i started high dose chemo at the end of July. Obviously, being told you have an emergency appointment booked unsettled me as i was told the specialist was just going to look up my nose to see if anything could be done. After going in and the specialist having a look up my nose he turned round to me and said "Well, lets get it done then!". And by getting it done he meant getting my nose cauterised!! The process itself was fairly simple and painless but afterwards dealing with a stinging nose was a bit of a pain.

The next day was my little sister, Jessica's 12th Birthday.

We took her out for tea and bought her a special birthday cake - we all really enjoyed the night!

\

After having a relaxing weekend with family it was time to start chemo again. This time wasn't as smooth as last time. Although my blood sugar levels never got as high as the have with the previous two chemo's, my body had became too accustomed to the dose of anti-sickness i was on and i was sick a few times during this course of chemo.

I was back the following Tuesday for bloods - which where low but not bad enough for any transfusions.

That night at 4am i woke up with a nosebleed - it was the most uncontrolled nose bleed i've ever had. And then blood started coming out of my eyes! At this point my parents decided to take me to A&E to get checked over and to see if there was anything the hospital could do to stop my nosebleed. The doctor needed to take my bloods and unfortunately she took three attempts to get my cannula in! Which left me with two big bruises on my hands!

After checking my bloods, it turned out that my platelets (the thing that helps your blood clot together) had dropped to 22 - when the usual level is in the 300's and i needed a platelet transfusion. But first they needed to stop the bleeding with another cauterisation! The ENT doctor came down to A&E and pulled two large blood clots out my nose and then cauterised a large area of my nose (which is still painful today). I then received my platelet transfusion.

After i had my transfusion i got in the ambulance and had a trip up to the RVI in Newcastle so the doctors up there could check me over and make sure they were happy with everything. They made me go back the next day to check my blood levels where all still okay. My platelets had dropped to 9 and i needed another transfusion.

The next week was dedicated to making sure i was in tip top condition for high dose chemo which starts on July 22nd.

So, on the following Tuesday i was back in Newcastle for bloods, an ENT appointment and a hearing test. My blood results were significantly lower than what they should be and the nurses told me i needed three bags of blood.

My hearing test went smoothly and the ENT doctor told me i needed my nose cauterising again but this time on the opposite side to my previous two! Thankfully, i didn't get any pain from my third cauterisation!!!

The next day me and my mum were back in Newcastle for a Kidney function, Heart echo and Lung function test. I'm still awaiting the results on my Kidney and Heart Tests but my Lung function tests came back all positive!!

And then the day i had been dreading all week had came - the day i had to get my baby tooth out. After the dentists had a look at it the first time they concluded that it was at significant risk of developing an abscess if it was left and that was too risky when i was having high dose chemo in the coming weeks. The dentist numbed my mouth the started the gruelling process of injecting around my baby tooth with local anaesthetic - it took 15 injections for my tooth to be finally numb before they started pulling it out which i could still feel.

And thats everything that was happened to me in the last month! Currently I'm waiting for surgery to put my double hickman line in on Friday then to start high dose chemo on the following Tuesday! Until then i'm going to chill out at home and take things easy for a while because i know when i go in hospital i won't be out for a few weeks after!

Lauren :-)

Meeting Ella Henderson and Pizza Hut!

Okay, so i'm really terrible at keeping my blog updated because its been two weeks and i haven't posted anything...again!

On the 19th of May i had my stem cell harvest and as traumatic as it was i got through it! The needles were ABSOLUTELY huge - one in my wrist which was AT LEAST 2 inches long and one in the back of my elbow which was probably the width of a pinky finger. I had to have to local anesthetic because they were so big. The doctor who actually put my needles in said most adults flinch when the needles are brought out as well and i didn't so i was proud of myself for that!!!The experience itself wasn't as uncomfortable as i expected despite two needles being stuck out my arms and my dad having to feed me, the four-ish hours passed relatively quickly and i was super thankful for that!!!

This is a picture of the bruise on my wrist a few days after the harvest and it got ALOT bigger and ALOT greener than this!

Also, on the day was the TCU 5th birthday in Newcastle so as a little surprise for the patients they arranged for Ella Henderson (X-factor 2012), who was touring with take that to come in surprise everybody! She was so lovely, we ordered lots of Domino's pizza, drank pop and had a big Teenage Cancer Trust cake for everybody to share! I didn't really get the chance to have a full conversation with her because nurses were pulling me out of the TCU left, right and centre for blood tests and all sorts!

After, meeting Ella and having my harvest nothing particularly interesting happened - until the next on a Saturday.

THE ONLY Saturday where it had been a decent temperature and the sun was shining was when my body decided to plague me with severe neck and back muscle cramps. And obviously that resulted to a trip to A&E where they found that my blood pressure was seriously low (82/45) and my heart rate was running way to fast (118). So the doctors instantly stared me on hydration and antibiotics for a chest infection which they suspected me to have and sent me off for a X-Ray. My blood pressure was so low they would let me stand up just in case i fell over and what can i say i wasn't complaining that i got to be pushed around everywhere on a bed - haha!

Unfortunatley though, they did have to put a cannula (in my wrist - again!!!) to get the medication to me as quickly and as easily as possible - but this nurse wasn't gentle and didn't skimp out on the size of the needles she used!

This was probably one of the most painful cannula's i had.

Whilst in A&E the doctors were still slightly concerned about the pain i was experiencing in my neck and back so they whisked me to Newcastle in an ambulance - for health and safety reasons. I had to go in the Ambulance by myself as well but the paramedic team were lovely and kept me happy whilst travelling up there. That night i had to stay in hospital and although i REALLY wasn't happy about it because i felt fine they insisted on keeping me in - just in case of emergency's. Everything worked out well and i was home by the next morning - which wasn't as sunny as the Saturday and only half as warm :-(.

After, being in hospital my little sister (Jessica) decided to surprise me with a small gift.

Well i looks really big on here...But it was a small chilli plant and two big bars of galaxy chocolate - yum!!!

I also decided to treat myself for when i went into hospital the following Wednesday and i bough myself a little colouring book!

You're never too old for a colouring book - right?!

After, i went into hospital on the Wednesday the doctors had managed to get my balance of anti-sickness medication right and i wasn't sick at all during my stay. However, it isn't always this simple as when they checked my blood sugar levels the were super high and they sent me home with a finger pricker - to check my blood glucose levels and needless to say i wasn't happy about it. After a few days my bloods settled down and now everything is back on track!!

Yesterday, the majority of my friends had finished their exams for the summer and to celebrate we all went to Pizza Hut. We had practically every type of pizza on the table, fries, drinks, ice cream and cookie dough desserts!!

Lauren :-)