Cancer isn't always to blame

I'm really struggling on how to start this post. Do i start by just saying everything i've been feeling in the past year? Do i find a poetic way to compare the way my mind is working at the moment? Do i find something to blame for the way i've been feeling?

I have never been someone who can adapt to change easily so when my best friend moved away to university in September i think i went into shock (like i always do when something goes 'wrong'). I pretend like nothing ever happened. I don't cry. I don't express my feelings and i keep them bottled up inside me and push them right into the deepest darkest corner of my brain because thats just the way i have always dealt with things. What i really should of said is "Millie, I'm so excited for you to start this new chapter in your life. I think its going to be the best thing you have ever done. But i'm going to miss you like crazy because i feel like your the only person in the entire world who knows me the best.'  Instead, i keep quiet, don't tell her how i'm feeling and put this insane amount of pressure on my self to make new friends. I think about if the way i look affects my friend making abilities, i beat myself up over forgetting to smile and say hi to somebody in the corridor and in turn end up putting myself in a worse place than i was before because of all the pressure i put my self under.

Going to see Millie in York then became one of the things i focused myself on. I will tell myself 'It's okay if i didn't have a good day at school today or i don't feel like i did as well as i should have because i'm going to see Millie soon and that will fix everything, because then just for the weekend i'm going back to the past and living in as what i have come to imagine was a 'better period in my life'. Whereas what i should have been thinking to myself was 'Okay this week wasn't great but i have plenty of chances to make next week even better, and i'm seeing Millie on the weekend so maybe she can give me some advice on making friends since, she has just moved away'. And as much as i value Millie and our friendship i know that i can't keep doing this to myself. Millie will always be my best friend but it is okay to have other friends and even other best friends because Millie isn't going anywhere (figuratively because she literally moved away ha ha).

The 'trauma' of my best friend moving away coupled with my health anxiety and OCD like behaviours have made the past month or so of my life particularly challenging for me. For example, on the weekend i went down to York to visit Millie i was particularly anxious about my health that week as i was worried my cancer had came back (which my consultant reassured me later in the week that it had not came back and the lymph nodes in my neck where just a reaction to a recent chest infection that i had) this not only stopped me from being at ease and letting loose but it also affected my friend making capabilities with her new friends. I most likely appeared unfriendly when in reality my mind was somewhere else. And when i finally snap back into the conversation i've put that much pressure on myself about joining in and appearing 'normal' (whatever that us) that the words just don't come out. I want to join in with conversations but i just can't. It feels like the words just won't come out. The fact that all her friends are smart and talk about things i don't really understand either, really doesn't help!

And, i want to make this clear that this post isn't blaming Millie, for anything she has only ever been an amazing friend to me, nothing less. This post is just me reflecting on my current mental health status and how i am processing things and how i want to change the way i am, which i know just as much as anyone, it is easier said than done.

I've also began to feel left out, not jealous in anyway just left out. I understand and accept that people have to grow up, move on and life their lives but i just wish i was out there living my life with them. I want to live on my own, i want to meet new people every week and be out of my comfort zone for a change, i want to go out with friends and just have a good time but instead i'm stuck at home re-doing my A-levels and maybe i do feel a little bit bitter about cancer having changed the way i always thought my life was going to be. 

And this leads me where i am today and what i finally want to do with regards to my mental health. I want to stop blaming the 'bad things' in my life on my cancer diagnosis and starting taking charge of my own life. I want to conquer my health anxiety and OCD tendencies, with the help of my therapist who i have been seeing for three weeks now. I want to become more approachable and friendly to everybody i meet, which is a tricky one but i am willing to work for it. And i want to apologise to the people closest to me because when i can't see clear because of the overthinking that i do i can become hard to get along with. So, mum i'm sorry for not going to the cinemas with you this afternoon because i was upset about something unrelated. Dad i'm sorry for saying i was lonely when you went out and then not coming to see you when you were back in because i was overthinking about something else. Jessica, i'm sorry for snapping at you when you're just trying to be funny and cheer me up. And, Millie i'm sorry for burdening you with all my shitty problems sometimes it just instantly cheers me up to see that you've sent me a Ed Sheeran ketchup meme and i know that you just want to have a good time and be chill and thats really hard with me as a friend but i'm working on myself and maybe one day i can be just as chill as you.

Lauren

Hair

When i was first diagnosed with cancer hair was the last thing i was worried about. I was more or less in the mindset 'this is not forever, my hair will grow back and i will be healthy again'.

At the time i felt as though my hair was not something i should care about when i was faced with the most challenging time in my life. But on reflection of that period in my life i think i may have buried my feelings about my hair.

As far back as i can remember i had always been the girl with the long hair. In fact i can't remember it being anything shorter than shoulder length. And when that was taken away from me, i think, in the shock of looking so different i ignored my emotions.

Recently, it was my schools summer ball and although i am not leaving and heading off to university like all my friends and the other people in my year i still went as those were the people i had grew up with since i was eleven (and some of them since i was 3!).

This is the first time in nearly the two years i had really started to feel a loss with my identity. I could no longer style my hair in a specific way like i had with my year eleven prom. I felt as if i had no control over what i looked like. And this is a huge problem for me as i am somebody who has to be in control of everything i do.

 I more or less had two options leave it curly and crazy like it usually is or get it straightened. I decided to feel slightly more in control of the situation i was in i would get it straightened at my local hairdressers.

I was nervous at the prospect of going to hairdressers for the first time in just under two years but also excited. I could finally see the true length of my hair as since it is curly all the time the true length of it is hidden.

Fast forward to coming out of the hairdressers and i was not happy. I felt like a stranger to myself. And as crazy as this may sound i felt as if i wasn't used to seeing my hair so short. I expected it to be longer than it was and the shock of it made me upset. The hairdresser didn't do a bad job in fact she did a brilliant job i just wasn't ready for what i was about to see. And i wasn't ready for the emotions i was feeling because i thought i was used to looking the way i did. After all, it had been nearly two years of my life of being bald or with short hair.

Nevertheless, when i got home i was upset and felt disappointed with the way i looked. I didn't know what i was expecting but it certainly wasn't this.

Eventually, after some cheering up from my mum, dad and sister i started to feel better about myself. I started putting my makeup on and decided i wasn't going to let the fact that i was expecting to look different ruin my night.

Even though its been a long time i still feel as if I'm learning about the way cancer affects self concept constantly. And this has just been another one of those learning experiences.

Nonetheless, i still had an absolutely amazing night with all my friends and i wouldn't change anything for the world!

Beaches

My dearest Smol,

This might be a bit far fetched but bare with me. Imagine, your life is one big sandy beach ( I know you don't like them but just bare with me okay?). Some people come into your life and barely make an imprint. Those are the type of people who stand at the top of the beach in the soft sand and don't walk down to the shore. Those people really don't know what they are missing, they might visit once every couple of years but they would never say that this beach is their favourite. It has too many crabs and the shells hurt they feet when they walk on the sand. Others leave a series of footprints etched into the sea shore, they might walk on the beach for an hour or so and come and visit every once in a while. But this isn't their favourite beach, in fact they might even only come to this beach every so often on the sunny days to grab a lemon top and look at the view. These are the type of people who can't appreciate the cold sea and the poo left on the sand by random dogs. The don't really deserve to come to this beach all the time. And only a select few have ran along the shores, wrote their names in the sand and splashed in the sea, they are here on the stormy days, on the sunny days and most importantly on the days where you are eligible for free parking. You're the last type of those people for me, i think its fair to say we've had our stormy days. Those type of days were you can only park in the car park and look out onto the sea crashing and going wild and thinking to yourself that life as you know it is coming to an end. But i think its fair to say we've had our sunny days as well like the type of days where business by catfish and the bottlemen are playing at just the right level in the background, we have a plethora lemon sorbet that doesn't melt super quickly, and spicy veggie burgers from mcdonalds with a shit ton of fries, an tropicana orange juice for me and a large pepsi max for you (not forgetting the dairy milk mcflurries) there is dogs of all shapes and sizes everywhere and you are tripping over sweet sweet nothing, as per usual. And even if i did leave you on the beach for a fair few days i always returned because this beach isn't just any beach its one of those beaches where you can smile when you think about it even if the weather is unreliable and the two regulars on the beach are turbulent beings. The people who only stand on the top of the beach don't know what they are missing, yeah you might catch crabs while you're there but it's still a good beach okay? agaga i joke. So, i think the real message of this little analogy is me trying to say you are well and truly are my best beach. 

My words are failing me right now but 

i'm grateful for this beach. 

Don't go changing.

Your friend,

Slime